When the partner is depressed

Depression is a pandemic: if your partner is depressed, they may ask to be alone, and it is important to avoid judgement and pressure. But neither is it good to contribute to their isolation: empathy is important to manage the situation.

There is a belief that when you are going through difficult times, you seek refuge and support from the people you love, but in the case of depression, this is not always the case, even if it happens with people close to you, such as your partner. In fact, they often feel the need to withdraw and seek solitude.

If you find yourself in this situation, do not interpret it as a personal attack: respect their rhythms and needs.

One of the symptoms found in depression is social isolation, the loss of interest in being with other people because they no longer enjoy it, but it is also a great emotional and physical effort.

Depression is a complex illness that is often intertwined with anxiety, Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) or social anxiety: socialising makes you feel uncomfortable, afraid or intensely worried, which reinforces the pattern of isolating yourself .

Feeling unable to connect with others is very frustrating, which feeds a vicious cycle: the more you isolate yourself, the lonelier you feel, and this worsens the symptoms of depression. You may be aware of your negativity and even feel like a burden to those around you, so you prefer to be alone and avoid the pressure of company.

Let’s look at some things you can do :

• Educate yourself and learn about depression.
• Don’t take it personally.
• Listen to your emotions without judging or minimizing them.
• Express how you feel.
• Be supportive, but respect their pace and space.
• Offer choices rather than imposing.
• Offer help with concrete actions.
• Define and set limits.
• Encourage them to seek professional help.
• Have a crisis plan.
• Consider support groups.

To understand what is happening to you, you need to know more about depression, its symptoms, dynamics and treatments. Understand that the desire to be alone does not mean that he or she does not love or value you, it is not about you, it is about him or her and his or her internal struggles. His or her emotions are valid and legitimate, whether you understand them or not, and so it’s not about agreeing or disagreeing with how he or she feels, but about offering a safe space to express yourself.

You should not join in with his negativity, but we should not send out that what he feels is meaningless or that he has no “right” to feel that way: we must learn to validate the emotions of others. And of course, you can communicate your desire to help to tell them how you feel, without blaming. Assertive communication is key.

Supporting means respecting their limits, being patient and not pushing. Helping also means encouraging healthy habits such as sleep, eating well and exercise. Instead of insisting on a single alternative, offer several so that they can choose the one that suits them best at any given moment.

Of course, supporting your partner does not mean sacrificing your own health: define what you can and cannot do. If your partner takes a turn for the worse, one crisis plan is to see a mental health professional, for example.

Instead of saying “you just need to change your attitude” you can say “I’m here to listen to you without judgement“. Change “you should stop worrying about it” to “do you want to talk about what’s bothering you“. Instead of “you should socialise more” express it as “I notice that you sometimes prefer to be alone…. I’m here if you ever want some company“.

You have no absolute control over what is around you: offer help from who you are and what is within your means. If necessary, ask for help.

📎 Oliva, J. [Jesús]. (2024, 02 October). When the partner is depressed. PsicoPop. https://www.psicopop.top/en/when-the-partner-is-depressed/

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