Albert Alcaine“Don’t suffer, that’s nothing” or “you’re an exaggerator because you take everything too much to heart“… Phrases like these are invalidating your emotions. There are many ways to invalidate your emotions and, in fact, it can even be a recurring problem in your relationship.
Allowing another person to have their space and their individual emotional capacity, not everyone understands or facilitates this.
Emotional validation is an essential communication tool, a fantastic channel for expressing love and acceptance within relationships. Doing it – and doing it well – is a basic nutrient in parenting, in the psychological development of young children and the language we should use in all kinds of bonding with the people around us.
Talking about our emotions is a challenge and an exercise in trust, affection and respect that it is not possible to have with everyone, and that is why we must be selective with the people with whom we share our emotional universe. Saying from the heart, “I understand you” or “I understand what you are going through” or, even more,“I understand why this situation is upsetting you” is an important form of emotional validation .
Many times, more than comfort, we want to feel listened to and validated, to know that someone can empathise with our emotions, to understand and support us.
Emotional invalidation is a more complex phenomenon than it seems: even we ourselves invalidate, often unknowingly, our own and others’ emotional states because we have been inculcated with wrong codes, forms and perceptions from an early age. “Calm down, it’s OK, in due time, it will pass“… We comfort and offer support with all good intentions, without knowing that these good intentions sometimes restrict and block.
The correct validation of the mother towards her children. Parenting fosters the proper development of children’s emotional awareness and psychological health in the future .
Is it worth the effort to respond to emotional invalidation? We can ask ourselves some questions to clarify our goals and options:
- Are we close to this person?
- Do we care about their opinion?
- Has this person been interested in understanding our feelings in the past?
- Is it a good use of our time and energy to help understand our feelings?
- Does this person often invalidate our feelings?
Then we will realise that sometimes it is not worth trying to get a stranger or even an acquaintance to understand our feelings. The closer the relationship, the more important it is that they understand how we feel.
☝🏻 The key is not to get caught up in a debate about who is right or wrong, but to set a boundary that indicates how we want to be treated and to leave the situation, or the relationship, if our needs are not respected.
It is important, therefore, to know when we use these attitudes and expressions. Let’s look at some of them below .
“No big deal!”
How many times have we said and been told that? Maybe they have used “That’s nothing”, or “You just worry about everything“. Such expressions make us feel like drama kings, or worse, people incapable of dealing with life’s difficulties, emotionally incompetent creatures.
This phrase is very common and repeated in childhood.
Every experience a person has is unique and we must respect it. Let us engrave it in fire.
☝🏻 Note that validating an emotion does not mean agreeing with it: it is giving a space for it to express itself, to feel it and to feel accompanied and understood.
“Are you really crying about that?”
“How can you cry over this nonsense?“, “Really? It’s not worth worrying about these things!“. These are perfect phrases to damage self-esteem, as they act as a tool to minimise or undervalue our concern, sadness, disappointment or anger.
Notice that, even today, emotional expression and venting through tears is still viewed with discomfort.
“You shouldn’t feel like that, you should be strong”
Or also “You have to be strong!“,“It’s not worth it to feel like this“, they insist. But what if right now I feel down, sad and angry? Am I a weak and miserable person to experience these kinds of emotions? Of course not!
Such reasoning is dismissive and superior.
Denying a person’s emotional perspective can make them feel small, weak and unable to manage their life .
.
“Don’t think this… Move on”
Let’s turn it around: imagine you’ve been preparing for a marathon for over a year, and a month before, you have an accident and break your leg. Yes, you feel sad, devastated, angry? And someone very close to you, who you love, tells you to go on. With a broken leg? How are you supposed to be able to do a marathon with a broken leg?
The pain is there: you can’t walk, you can’t move, and the disappointment is enormous after the effort you’ve made, you can’t hide it, cover it up or ignore it!
“I’m not going to discuss this with you”
This is a very frequent one in couple relationships: when some discrepancy or any problem arises, the other person warns us that he/she will not argue with us. This is usually done by raising their voice as a warning or in a forceful way.
This is an example of violent communication: not only does it invalidate us, but it belittles our opinion, perspective and needs.
“You get angry about everything, you’re not to be talked to!”
A well-known expression in which we are told that we take everything on the wrong side, and that you can’t talk to us because we immediately get angry. Sharing life with someone, whether a family member or a partner, who constantly repeats this to us, can end up being very harmful.
“You don’t have to be like that!”
Being told to stop, to calm down, not to be like that… This is another form of emotional invalidation. It is probably the most common and frequent, and watch out: if we tell a child, we will intensify his emotions even more, and we will not help him to manage his inner reality.
It involves belittling the situation, the feelings and the experience he feels.
“You are too sensitive”
“You are too sensitive, everything affects you!“, as if we overestimate some things, as if we react too strongly… Which makes us feel alone and misunderstood.
“I’ve been there, it could be worse”
And yes, you may have been through it, but to say it like that is from someone who undervalues our emotional reality by pointing out to us that things could be worse… Of course, they could always be worse! But in addition, the person who is saying this is pointing out that he or she has already been through the same thing and that “it’s not that bad“.
When someone suffers, when someone struggles with a moment of high emotional complexity, the last thing we expect is for them to resort to narcissism such as “that’s nothing, mine was more important” or “you’re drowning in a glass of water and I know how to swim with sharks“.
Whoever does not respect our emotions, does not respect us as people.
Other quotes…
- Maybe I don’t share your emotion, but I respect that you feel that way.
- Tell me more.
- I want to understand what’s going on with you.
- I’m sorry you’re upset.
- Is there anything I can do to help you?
- Cry, if you need to.
- How do you feel?
- I understand that this is important to you.
- I’m listening.
- I don’t know what to tell you right now because I’m blocked, but if you’d like to, explain further.
- Remember that I am here for whatever you need.
- You don’t have to apologise for feeling this way: your feelings are important!
- You have no reason to be like this
- How exaggerated you are!
- You need to be more optimistic!
- Are you angry about that?
- It’s not that bad, either!
- You should learn to be stronger.
- I’m anxious too because I have so many things to do.
- Like this again…
- You’re too sensitive!
- You have to put on your bandwagon to cheer yourself up.
- There are people who are worse off!
- I’m sure it’s not that bad.
- You’ve probably taken it too personally.
- You just need to let it go.
- God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.
- Everything happens for a reason.
- You make a big deal out of everything.
- You most likely didn’t get it right.
📎 Alcaine, A. [Albert]. (2024, 09 October). The invalidation of emotions. PsicoPop. https://www.psicopop.top/en/the-invalidation-of-emotions/
📖 References:
