Jesús OlivaSometimes we can have a reaction that does not benefit us when we feel offended or attacked by another person. It is important to know some tools and approaches so that this does not happen, and to be able to deal with the situation in a way that is more appropriate for us.
Relationships with other people can be a source of well-being, fun and emotional connection, but sometimes they are not, and we encounter people who address us in a disrespectful, tactless or unkind way. When the other person goes too far, it can put us in a difficult situation.
When we feel insulted, offended or attacked, we tend to set in motion a behavioural pattern that is quite characteristic and well-known: there are those who respond defensively (withdrawing and avoiding any approaching manoeuvre), others offensively (hitting back) and others who try to ignore the event as if nothing had happened.
But there is also a way of reacting to it, and that is by doing pedagogical work to explain to the other person why what he or she has done was wrong.
The “problem” with all this is that these responses are not usually premeditated, but rather come from within us instinctively. So what can we do?
Of the above options, two are the most common: attack back or remain paralysed, known as the fight or flight response. Lately, a third element has also been added: the freeze .
Let’s stop for a moment and analyse the situation: there is an important difference between feeling attacked and having been attacked, so the initial step should always be to analyse whether, in reality, the comment made by the other person must have been hurtful and derogatory or whether it was just our perception.
OK, it all goes very fast, and it can be very “idyllic” to stop and reflect on the moment when we felt wronged. Breathing and counting to 10 could help us to decide with greater awareness and measure, but if we see that this is not possible because of the rapidity of the event, it is important that we can do this once the situation has passed, to have – worked it out for the next time.
When we have determined that the other person has really gone too far with their comments or what we have heard has been disrespectful, it is important to take action. It can be as simple as reminding them that there are boundaries that cannot be crossed, either because of the act itself or because of the relationship we have.
But let’s be frank: we have to choose our battles wisely, and if a person in our environment is particularly offensive and does not change their attitude, having expressed our discomfort, the best thing to do is to walk away or end the relationship.
Putting ourselves on their level is not the most appropriate thing to do. Shouting or attacking back will only increase the conflict. The key is to express what we feel without disrespecting the other person, and this is known as assertive communication. It is as easy as following these three steps :
- Speak from our perspective, i.e. express how we feel rather than focusing on recriminating the other person’s behaviour. “I feel hurt when you make these kinds of comments to me” instead of
“You always hurt me“. - State-specific facts and do so objectively rather than generalising.
- Make clear requests: after expressing how we feel, it is necessary to state what we expect or want from the other person:“I would like you not to talk to me about this subject again”.
Yes, responding when we feel attacked requires a certain amount of learning, and it takes a good degree of self-control, introspection and willpower not to do so instinctively and explosively.
Observe how you feel and behave when you feel offended. Determine which attitudes you want to eradicate and which ones you would like to implement, and practice them in your daily life. With not too much time, you will see that it is much easier to put it into practice naturally.
📎 Oliva, J. [Jesús]. (2024, 14 August). How do we respond when we feel attacked?. PsicoPop. https://www.psicopop.top/en/how-do-we-respond-when-we-feel-attacked/
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